I’m not sure if I’ve said it here before…these days, the memory is not as sharp; so at the risk of repeating, I am going to share again and if you’ve heard the little story already, just skip to the next point.

Here it is: I have found, over the last couple of years, maybe it was there before but old age [or hopefully maturity] makes one observe details that hitherto, would have been overlooked. Whenever I am under water, meaning in the shower; for although I am from a seaport parish, I couldn’t be considered, by long or short stroke, a swimmer [smile]. Anyway, proximity to water usually inspires deep thought and on more than one occasion, similar insight. This morning was a case in point. The water wasn’t cascading over my body, just my hands…as I washed dishes in the kitchen sink, water flowing from the open faucet.

For the last two years and in a pronounced way, the one drawing to a close, I have been experiencing the feeling – longing, is perhaps more to the point, for retirement. I no longer want to be engaged in humdrum routine – the nine to five, with related expectations, some of which are either not cognizant or deliberately dismissive of my short-comings, in particular my diminishing strength [physical, emotional and truth be told, sometimes spiritual]. I have arrived at that place where, each time I hear of colleagues and friends retiring, I begin to experience an emotion [if it can be so called] that I never knew existed in me. It is called envy! Fi riil mi faiin seh mi gruj piipl weh nuh afi gu a werk!!

I want to be able to operate on time that is ordered by me; to stay home and do nothing, if that’s how I feel, without a conscience attack, about whether or not to report my lack of movement to some presumed authority figure. I want to be able to spend time: unhurriedly, quietly…reading, reflecting and in all honesty, I want to be done, wid di oal iip a miitn dem – if you get my meaning. I want to [re]establish a rhythm to my being that is not stymied by much doing!

Well, let me get back to this morning and the water. As I washed and rinsed the dishes, the water running over my hands, I heard in my spirit, that it was not just a physical retirement that I needed; that may in fact be a further step, to what my soul really longs for. What I need [which came to me with bold clarity], is to be able to engage a certain liberty, the heart of which is quality time, spent with God. To be sure, it doesn’t take retirement to do that, a truth with which I must continue to wrestle. What the water induced insight made clear however, is that my longing though ostensibly for retirement, is in fact for increasing depth of intimacy with the divine, that will enable me to face with decreasing levels of fear, those pain-filled occurrences and moments in life, for which I have [there are] no immediate or clear-cut answers.

This morning in devotion, I was challenged once again by Elijah’s story, following the high drama of Mount Carmel [1 Kings 18: 16 – 45]. This man of God, who was able to call down heaven’s fire power, was later found in a cave, hiding…cowering like a scared rabbit, because too much doing for everyone and his neighbor…for the people of God, had placed blinders on his insight, with respect to the power-filled reality of God’s love…for him! It is this latter truth I believe, which God is quietly but persistently trying to help me come to terms with.

My beloved sister/friend Annett once told me, following a walk together through a particular shopping area, having noted the number of stops I made to greet or be greeted by one person after another,  “You’re not popular…you’re common” [Laugh]! So the retirement I desire, is as much metaphorical as it is literal. My body and spirit truly long for uncommon rest…the stillness that comes with just enough of doing that will neither infringe upon nor diminish the blessed gift of being i.e. resting in God’s love.

I know that I have made myself vulnerable here but I rather suspect, I am not the only one for whom this longing is real. There are many for whom the debilitating routine and constancy of doing, more than a hindrance to the increasing depth of intimacy for which our souls cry [in the spirit of St. Augustine’s famous words], is a call for the kind of retirement, described in words from a meme that made the rounds on WhatsApp… ‘Retirement: when you stop living at work and begin to work at living’.

‘To work at living’ is a loaded phrase with a challenge. It declares that embedded in muchness and manyness, are openings, however small, when there are no concrete plans…nothing on the ‘to do’ list. Such times are God’s invitation to be still and so know…more of Him and His desires for us. The apostle Paul, writing to the Romans [12: 1ff] spoke to a renewed way of thinking as the precursor to reenergized worship. In other words, to be intentional…focused on embracing little breaks, as preparation for the bigger ones to come.

Much to ponder today and in the week ahead; so until next time, continue to stay safe as you remain in His grip.

Grace+